


i'll carry you

by xoxogossipwolf



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Healing, M/M, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 17:44:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5173346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoxogossipwolf/pseuds/xoxogossipwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes is healing, and it isn't always easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll carry you

**Author's Note:**

> so idk i just wanted to write something this wasn't initially how this was supposed to turn out but its how it ended up

Bucky’s days consist of caring for the cat Natasha picked up from a mission, doing menial chores around the apartment he and Steve share, and trying not to be startled every time he hears a noise that isn’t the cat prowling around. Even the cat startles him sometimes. 

Bucky knows it's PTSD, Steve and Sam have given him enough pamphlets, have bookmarked things on his computer, he knows how to try and make himself calm, to just breathe. It's hard, most of the time when Steve isn’t around. He feels like a ghost, whispering through the spacious rooms of their Brooklyn brownstone. 

Bucky enjoys chores, like the mind-numbing feeling that comes with not having to think. Put clothes in the wash, add soap, spin the dial. Wait 45 minutes, transfer clothes to the dryer, wait an hour. Fold the clothes, hang the ones that need to be put up, put the folded socks away. Bucky likes doing these things because they make him feel serene, make him feel as if he is accomplishing things. 

Steve will come home, kiss Bucky on the mouth, and sit down to whatever food Bucky ordered or cooked. 

“Your pasta is heaven, Buck.” Steve tells him over dinner one night. Bucky chuckles. “Kinda hard to fuck pasta up.” Steve smiles gently. “Not as hard as you’d think, I ate nothing but take out before Sam took pity on me and showed me the ropes.” Bucky laughs. 

Bucky washes the dishes, because he likes how they come out of the dishwater sparkling. “You know, the dishwasher does the same thing.” Steve tells him over his wineglass. Bucky snorts. “A robot ain’t got shit on manual labor, Stevie.” Steve shrugs, kisses him on the cheek and departs to the living room. “What do you want to watch tonight?” Steve calls. Bucky thinks, and decides he doesn’t really care, is too sleepy to watch a movie all the way through. “You pick.” Bucky says, voice barely raised. He knows Steve will hear him just fine.

Bucky dries his hands on the towel, turns off the kitchen light and joins Steve on the couch. “What’d you pick?” Bucky asks, snuggling into Steve’s side and taking a deep breath, taking comfort in Steve’s soft scent. “Ratatouille.” Steve says, Bucky chuckles deep and low. He kisses Steve’s cheek. 

Bucky isn’t sure he makes it through half the movie before he conks out, he vaguely remembers Steve carrying him to bed. 

In the morning, Bucky jolts up, heart pounding and arm aching. Steve isn’t beside him. Bucky breathes, listens for Steve’s morning noises. He hears the coffee maker gurgling before he smells it. He realizes he’s been holding his breath. He lets out a long, slow breath. He lays back down. “Steve.” Bucky calls, voice hoarse. 

Steve comes in, two mugs in hand. “Morning, you were thrashing around last night. I tried to wake you, do you remember?” Bucky shakes his head. “Sorry.” Bucky says, a flash of sorrow crosses Steve’s face. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Buck. Okay?” Bucky nods, but doesn’t speak. Steve holds out the mug, and sits down when Bucky takes it. “I don’t think it's going to be a good day, Steve.” Steve just nods, and stretches out beside Bucky. 

“I’m going to stay home with you, is that okay?” Bucky looks at Steve, finds no pity in his eyes or written on his face. “Yes. Thank you.” Bucky nuzzles into Steve’s side. “How did you manage, after, I mean.” Bucky doesn’t have to elaborate. 

Steve takes a deep breath before talking. “It wasn’t easy. A long time had passed, and yet it hadn’t to me. You were barely gone when I woke up, yet I didn’t have time to grieve. Not really, I just jumped right back in because I felt I had to. And I thought it was all fine and dandy, and then I met Sam. He made me realize that I wasn’t doing all that great, and you know. That it was okay that I wasn’t okay. So, I started going to the VA. Hell, I even got a therapist. I started getting better. Some days are still really hard, it’s a constant uphill battle. So, whatever you need from me Bucky, just tell me. If you want to look into therapy, we’ll do that. If you want to stay inside for a whole year, you can do that. You just have to tell me, or Sam, or Natasha.” 

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a long time. “Thank you, for telling me all of that.” Bucky says finally. Steve strokes Bucky’s hair. “You went through hell a million times, Buck. I don’t think that’s something you get over quick.” Bucky nods, nose brushing Steve’s chest. “I don’t know that I’ll ever be completely okay again, Stevie.” Steve is quiet for a second. “I think that’s alright, Bucky. And to be expected, you just have to keep sloshing through. I’ll be here every step of the way, whatever you need.” 

Bucky props himself on his elbow. “I love you, Steven Rogers.” Bucky says, planting a kiss on his mouth. Steve smiles, soft and sweet, holding the world in his smile. “I love you, James Barnes.” Bucky snorts, and kisses Steve again. They fall asleep, entwined together, Bucky feeling more peaceful than he’s used to. It wasn’t a terrible day.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for making it all the way through!! comments and kudos and constructive criticism always appreciated. apologies for any errors!


End file.
